Dangerously In Love

Falling in love with a narcissistic pathological liar was the most ludacris, yet brave thing I have ever done. Time and time again, he showed me his true colors. However, I was so blinded by the good moments and his vulnerability that I continuously gave him the benefit of the doubt. He brainwashed me to believe he was a victim of all the drama that was surrounding him. I’m talking multiple broken relationships, multiple fights/arrests/restraining orders, multiple family member’s deaths, etc. For the past year, I believed all these people surrounding him were evil. I believed in my man, and I believed he was a good person. I truly felt sorry for him and did my best to be the one constant person to stay by his side, even when everyone surrounding him left. I wanted to be there for him. And if it counted for anything, I wanted to fill any void he may have felt from all of the loss and betrayal he faced, even though it all turned out to all be a lie…

I love selflessly, and open-heartedly. I used to think that it was a beautiful thing, to love so hard. But now, now I wonder if that is a weakness… To love so openly, and make yourself so vulnerable to such a dangerous drug. Love.

The amount of shame, guilt, and embarrassment I feel cannot be measured for staying in such a toxic relationship as long as I did… Before I met my ex, I was finally in a good place in my life. I knew exactly who I was; I was strong, independent, and comfortable in my skin. I was in a good place with my career, I was making new friends in a new city, and ultimately, I was happy. After finally getting over a tough break up about two years prior, I was content with my life. And let me tell you, it took A LOT of hard work to get there. A LOT of soul-searching, a lot of facing my past, facing my fears, and facing reality. I changed a lot about myself, for the better. I grew so much as a person to finally get to this place. And then I met him.

First, we were friends. Really good ones. I confided in him, he confided in me, we were there for each other. Then, his “mother passed away.” He fell to shambles right in front of me, at my apartment doorway. It was at that moment, I decided, he needed me. God put me in his path to be there for him at this very moment. I remember thinking to myself as I held him and wiped away his tears, that I never want to see this man hurt like this again. And  I was going to do everything I can to make him happy. Make him feel loved. Make him feel whole. I’m a fixer by nature, and I tried to fix something that was broken before I even got there.

Soon after her “passing”, after a lot of consoling and time spent together, we made things official. He and I became so strong as a couple. I fell so deeply in love with him, to the point where I wondered if I even knew what love was before him? He made me feel like I was on cloud 9 our first few months together. It was truly the happiest time of my life.

Initially, I boasted about my independent nature, and he hated it. He always told me that he felt like I didn’t need him. I spent so much time trying to convince this man that I loved him more than anything in this world, that I became co-dependent on him. He always told me that it was ok to need somebody, that that is what love is. And that is the mindset that I fell into.

It astonished me how strong he was, and how quickly he got over the death of his mother. Especially for someone who supposedly walked into their own mother’s suicide… Soon after, his sister passed away. She got into a car accident with her boyfriend right before Christmas. Then the next month, two of his favorite cousins passed away, also a car accident. Then the mother of his child got involved in our relationship and tried to destroy everything we had built. Along with multiple other women. Then his other cousin passed away in his garage at his house after a tragic weightlifting accident… His two best friends that he grew up with since they were toddlers, well they betrayed him and cut him out of their lives pretty much out of their hate for me. Mind you, I’ve never even met these people. Through this all, I was there. My heart hurt for him. And I stood righteously by his side, thinking he was a victim.

Soon after, his behavior changed. These women were actually getting to me. And his “ex-wife” would tell me he was trying to work things out with her all the time. But he had convinced me that she was lying. He had convinced me that she was such an evil person. That she photo shopped all of these pictures, emails, and texts that she sent me to piss me off. The hard part about this part of the story is, that she actually is crazy too. So I’m not sure what to believe when it comes to them, but I do know that there was an affair there. Before I knew it, he was breaking up with me alllllll the time. Almost on a weekly basis. And then he’d be back at my doorstep crying, begging for me back. He is an expert at what he does. Everything was on his time. Our quality time, our break ups, our make ups… He knows exactly what to say to get me to stay, to get me to give him the benefit of the doubt, and to ultimately take him back. Most of the time, I’d let him leave. It wasn’t like me to beg a man to be somewhere he didn’t want to be. I almost wonder if that’s why he’d come back. Because it was a cry for attention that I didn’t give him. I can remember at least 4 different occasions where he “tried to commit suicide”, and I would come running like a fool every time, taking him back after blatant lies.

But eventually, the stress and toxicity of our relationship got to me. Everything that had contrasted over the last year or so all of a sudden became so clear. All these stories, all these tragedies, none of them added up. Often times, I already knew it, and would call him on his lies, but he was always able to get me to take him back. He was so good at making me feel special, like I was on a pedestal above everyone else, but only for the purpose of getting what he wanted from me. Most of the time is was to get control over me, but sometimes it was sex, money, or whatever he may have needed in that moment, like the $900 iPhone I recently bought him. I became too weak of a woman to care about my own well being, that I only cared about pleasing him. I was so depressed, especially after losing my career, that I truly felt like I couldn’t live without him. I was suicidal. There was even a time after he had broken up with me, that I begged for him back. It really hurt my pride. Especially looking back at the woman I used to be when I first met him. I hated myself even more for that. I hate that I got so lost in his love, that I lost touch with who I used to be.

Falling in love with a narcissist was the most dangerous thing I have ever done. To be so vulnerable to another person that I became co-dependent and suicidal. I know I’m not the only victim of such behavior, but I feel it’s so necessary to promote awareness before you yourself become a victim. Because up until recently, I never thought in a million years my ex would hurt and betray me as bad as he did. It really broke me… It left me wondering and obsessing where things went wrong. When did I turn left when I should have turned right? What choice was it that decided? What step did I take? How did I get here? To this very moment? What the hell happened???

In the beginning, they really get you. They put up this façade of perfection and charm. A man with morals, values, and deep belief in God… Then somewhere along the road, something will happen that will make you question him and his integrity. And before you know it, you’re finding never-ending lies and affairs right under your nose. This man you thought was your Prince Charming has now become your worst nightmare. This man who made you feel more loved than anyone in your life, has now hurt you more than you would’ve ever imagined. And now you’re left with nothing. Your soul, sucked dry. Your heart, empty. Your mind, fucked. You’ll start obsessing about all of the signs you ignored from the beginning. And then you realize this was their mission the whole time.

This one’s on me. I’ll take the L. But don’t get me twisted. I know what I deserve. You may have chipped away at my self-esteem, and fooled me on more than one occasion, but I will never again let you take away my self-worth. Only a woman as good as me was brave enough to love so hard, so openly, without hesitation. This is your loss, not mine. I deserve the type of love I’ve been brave enough to give. ❤

 

“The only downfall of having a good heart is that you’re constantly looking for angels inside of demons.” R.H. Sin

 

She’s survived by her loving family…

My baby brother came back from deployment just over a week ago. I was able to see him for the first time in over a year on my 30th birthday, the 17th. As bitter as our relationship has been, and with everything I have going on in my life, it was still good to see him. It was refreshing.

Today his wife and he left for their road trip to Florida, as he’s been reassigned to a base there for he remainder of his enlistment. I had a really rough night last night and could hardly sleep due to a conversation I had with my ex’s mom… I woke up distraught, emotionally exhausted, and tired. When we met my brother for brunch he could see it all over my face. He asked me what was wrong, and gave me a big hug. I brushed it off and said I was tired because I didn’t feel like talking about it. Also because I’m his big sister and I feel like I need to be strong.

I carried on through brunch completely distracted through the sunshine and laughter on the rooftop of a nice restaurant. A family friend asked how I was doing and how life was treating me, and I was so curt that I almost felt bad. But I’m really not good at faking the funk and tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve, so avoiding the subject doesn’t always help the company I keep. Although it was such a beautiful day, and we had perfect weather, everything just seemed so dull to me. Colors weren’t as vibrant, wearing a fake smile made me cringe, all the laughing just got on my damn nerves…

When it was time to say our goodbye’s, my brother started with me. He gave me the biggest, tightest hug, and said, “Sister please, if you need anything, please ask me. I mean it. I’m here for you. I love you so much.” All the tears started to flow and I could feel my heart racing, and my body trying to hold itself back from wailing. Luckily, I was wearing sunglasses. But I could see my mom reading my face, and she started crying as well…

Honest to God, the only thing I thought about to myself as I nodded my head yes and said thank you, was that this is probably the last time I’ll ever hug my brother. This will be the last time because I don’t think I’ll make it through life much longer. This depression is going to eat me alive, and I will kill myself. As my brother pours his heart out, I’m standing here thinking about suicide. It’s crosses my mind at least 20 times a day. I think about it all the time. How I’ll do it, when I’ll do it, and what I want to say to who before I do it. I’ve already written my goodbye letters to my family a couple of months ago from the first time I actually tried it. It was obviously unsuccessful and resulted in a miserable night spent alone in the hospital.

It’s not that I feel my world is ending because I’m single. It’s not that at all. It all started when I lost my career. I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to that company every single day. There were rules being broken at work by other leaders, and I got fired for some bullshit after the investigation. That’s when my depression started. That’s when I started questioning my worth.

A few weeks later my ex left me, and has been in and out of my life for countless excuses ever since. Although I still love him so much, I absolutely hate what he’s done to me. Because of this situation with him, I hate myself. I question my worth not only as a woman, but as his partner. I loved him with all I had, and was still never good enough for him to stick around. Although he says I deserve better, he’d never just try to be a better man, and stay a part of my life. He’d hide me from everyone he knows. I refuse to believe that I was so naive to believe him when he’d express how in love with me he was, and only concentrate on the times he showed it. When in reality, at least as of the last few months, his bad days have outweighed the good. I hate myself for this! I hate that I let myself get so lost in a man who was no longer there. He wasn’t ready to love me and he made that clear, but I’d still want him a part of my life because I felt good when I was with him. How selfish! He has always left me when I needed him the most. He was never truly there for me, and he was never truly there for us.

He never made me a priority in his life. All he cares about is his own happiness and his family he portrayed as such evil people to me. And I accept that. I even almost admire it. I need to learn  to not love any man more than I love myself or my family. I need to learn that my partner should never be the most important person in my life. I lost myself in him by doing just that. I wish I could love less, just like him.

When I think about dying, I often daydream about how it’ll affect him. How would he feel if he woke up one day, and I didn’t? I know he would be sad. And I think about it all the time because it’s the only way I think he’ll feel even a fraction of the pain that he makes me feel. I wonder how much he’ll regret how he treated me, if he’ll realize what he lost, or if he’ll just move on with his life and get over me quickly because I’m not here. I guess I’ll never know until it happens…

I’m leaving my family tomorrow to spend some time with a friend for a couple of weeks. Hopefully the thoughts of suicide subside, but right now it’s staring me right in the face. My depression is eating away at my every day life, and especially my motivation. I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I pray every night that God either takes me, or gives me the strength to get through this damn period already because I’m sick of it! I truly thought I was better than this, that I was stronger than this. How did I get to this point in my life? How could I get so lost??

“The bravest thing I ever did was continue my life when I wanted to die.”

~Juliette Lewis

 

 

 

I gave you my world, and you gave me hell.

For the last few days, all I’ve done is mope around and feel sorry for myself. I just can’t stop crying… My depression is at an all time low, and all I can think about is how miserable my life is.

I made a huge mistake. And I’m choking on this pill I’m trying to swallow as we speak.

I made the mistake of not only letting my ex back into my life, but trusting his words and putting my whole world back into his hands. He looked me in my eyes, confessed his love, and promised me he wouldn’t take this chance for granted. I gave him an ultimatum and told him that this time, I was all or nothing. If things didn’t work out this time around, I physically, mentally, and emotionally couldn’t handle him being apart of my life anymore. He was supposed to take care of my heart. Just days ago he asked me to move in with him next week. And due to the situation I was/am in, I was going to. I planned my entire fucking life around the word of a man, again. Only for him to take my heart that I gave to him on a platter, and empty a magazine of hollow points in it like it was nothing to him.

When we first got together, my whole world changed. I was happier than I had ever been before. He made me feel so beautiful, like I was the only woman in the world that mattered. He made me feel loved, important, smart, hopeful for our future, and most of all he made me feel safe. He was everything than no man has ever been to me. Falling for him wasn’t falling at all. It was like walking into a house, and suddenly knowing you’re home. I was so in love. He was the most important person in my life, and I ranked him above everyone else, including myself. That was my first mistake.

Half way into our relationship, he began to distance himself. Once his ex-wife got involved in our relationship, it was all down hill from there. She was constantly trying to break us up, make it seem like he was trying to work things out with her again, and she made it her life mission to make my life a living hell so I wouldn’t want to be with him. But I love too hard to believe any of that. I’m too loyal of a person to base my judgement of someone’s character on the action’s of someone who clearly couldn’t cut it as his partner. Until one day he told me he was leaving to work on his family. Our entire relationship he stressed his hatred and disgust for that woman. This was right after I lost my job too so I was BEYOND devastated. I couldn’t believe what had happened. But as he always did every time he tried to leave me, he’d come back wanting to be a part of my life again. He always told me that he’d only leave because he felt I deserved better than him, and he was sacrificing his own happiness so I could move on a find a man I deserve. It was pitiful. He broke my heart more than once over irreconcilable differences why we couldn’t be together. But I’m a fighter, and I just didn’t have it in me to give up on him yet. As much as I couldn’t force him to want to be with me, I couldn’t force my heart to stop wanting him. But that doesn’t make me weak or dramatic. It makes me a woman who knows what she wanted. A woman who wasn’t going to let something good be ruined by insecurities and fear. So I took him back, every time. He’d cry and cry and go on with endless reasons why he didn’t want to lose me, and how he’d try to be better. He’d say just enough to keep me there, dangling by a thread. But every time (and there were several times he left me), I was unraveling. 

He is a sociopath, and our relationship was so toxic. Loving a sociopath is like taking all the shortcuts in life. There’s immediate charm, intense connection, and an all or nothingness that is unlike any relationship you’ve ever been in. It made me aspire to love him harder than I’ve ever loved anyone before. But loving a sociopath is also a quick shortcut to a broken heart. They are expert chronic liars and say exactly what it takes to keep you from leaving. He sweet talked me until my ears bled. He would tell me everything I wanted to hear with zero actions to back it up. He somehow made me believe in his word without any desire to demand that he that he shows his love for me, or any sort of reciprocation of my love for him. But as detached as I tried to be, I was never as unattached as this man who lived his life completely separate from the basic spectrum of human emotions.

No matter how hard I loved him, and how much I showed him, my love was never reciprocated. Not like it was in the beginning anyways. I loved this man wholeheartedly, and so unconditionally. I even loved all of his imperfections, and that is how I knew he was worth my fight. But all he did was sit himself in the stitches of my skin, superficial enough to burn and deep enough to bruise. Just days after re-committing our relationship, making my expectations clear, and planning our upcoming living situation, he texts me that I needed to leave him alone, I was coming in between his family, and he was with his wife and son. I thought it was his ex again playing games (as she’s done before), so I demanded to talk to him. Sure enough, he answered the phone. It was really him… My heart dropped and I couldn’t believe it. I was humiliated. I asked him if this was all real after all that he told me just the day before. He responded with “Yes, I need to work on my family now so leave it alone, stop calling, etc.” all while his so-called ex is bitching in the background. I paused, and it was the loudest moment of silence; and then he just hung up. There were more argumentative texts exchanged from my disbelief, but that was the gist of the situation. In the middle of this all he texts me “They got me tied up” implying that her family is holding him hostage and making him say these things. But the sad part is, he’s already used that excuse in the past in a similar situation, so I couldn’t bear to believe it. Regardless if it was true, he clearly had no hesitation to sacrifice our love for it.

I told him this time around it was all or nothing. He made a choice. He chose to break my heart. Just two days before my 30th birthday too… He’s made me feel so helpless and devastated. He rooted himself firmly under my skin, and no amount of scratching could exorcise the idea of him. He’s all that I have thought about every second of every day that has passed, and that’s why I can’t stop crying. I’m in the deepest depression that I’ve ever been in, and I so badly want to end it all. I’ve lost my career, my boyfriend, and I’m having the worst luck finding a job. My unemployment is about to run out this month and I will soon have no income. What is the point anymore? I’m a waste of life and I just want to give up. I cannot stop questioning my worth, along with a million unanswered questions I have of how our relationship went wrong, and what else he lied about.

I just feel so incredibly foolish and completely to blame. The hardest part of this all, is having to look myself in the mirror. He gave me all the signs of a liar and a cheater but I didn’t listen to them. At this point, I have to let go. But letting go means that I have to admit that I was wrong about him, and I judged his character so badly. That alone is going to be the steepest uphill battle for me. I’ve been through enough in life to know better and not be so naive. For the first time I truly understand the meaning behind the saying that love is blind. Now I have to acknowledge that everyone was right about him. But I can’t move forward with my life if I have one foot on the brakes. Letting go of the pain is so hard because it’s the only thing right now that’s attaching me to him, and I’m just not ready to let go.

It’s challenging, but I have to keep reminding myself that I’m smarter than this. I’m smart enough to acknowledge my feelings now, and understand what is going on. I just need to take the right steps towards loving myself; which is easier said than done, especially at this point in my life. He always told me that he was quick to break up with me because he knew that I deserved better, and he wanted to break it off before I realized it myself and broke his heart first. This reminds me just how weak he really is. Rejection is amplified in people like him, and I truly believe that’s why he is settling for her. He knows that she’s even crazier, and ever more insecure, so he’s settling for someone who he knows won’t leave him. He constantly lied to me and covered up his true life because he can’t accept who he really is. It makes me so sad, because up until now, I saw so much good in him. He was once the sweetest man I had ever known. He was talented, caring, loving, and sincere. He made it easy for me to uplift him, and encourage him to continue to be the man I thought he was. Before I met him, I lived a fairly rough life, which in turn made it so easy for me to cherish everything about him. I truly felt blessed to be his woman. Every time he would put himself down and make me pity him for not feeling good enough for me, I’d constantly remind him why I loved him, and how badly I wished he could see himself through my eyes.

As much as it hurts to say this, after our last phone call, I finally saw him the way that he sees himself…

I hate goodbyes.

“Just because I loved you, and just because you hurt me, I will not be ashamed to say that I loved you. Because I really did love you. I loved the loving person that you were. I do not love the cold person that you are now. I loved the considerate person that you were. I do not love the inconsiderate person that you are now. I loved the thoughtful person you were. I do not love the deaf-hearted person that you are now. You see, you asked me what I loved about you, and that is what I loved. If you asked me today what I love about you, I will tell you this. I love the memory of the person that you used to be. I love that you allowed me to feel the love that my heart can contain. I love the love that you showed me I can give. I love the happiness that you showed me I could have. I loved that you walked away. I loved that you did not stay. I would have suffered if you had stayed, because of the person that you are today.”

Daydreaming

Daydreaming.

The times when our love once flooded our veins.

Our hands, inseparable.

Two hearts with but one beat,

As we slow danced in this living room.

Together, our energies created a melody,

Never to be lost.

“I am the luckiest man in the world”,

Your eyes once read to me.

I was your Queen.

A love so purposeful,

Held with tenderness.

The warmth of our souls,

This is where home is.

Don’t you remember this feeling?

How did we ever go astray?

~LT

On The Verge of a Breakthrough

In the words of O’Shea Jackson, “Today was a good day.”

It was emotionally rough, but I can tell that I’m growing. Slowly, day by day, one step at time, I’m getting back to my old self.

Church was essential this week. There were moments I was distracted, but only because I was thinking about how my pastor’s message related to me. Everything about it resonated with what has gone on in my life lately, but especially most recently. Yesterday I got into another text argument with my ex’s ex-wife. She flat-out admitted to me that she’s lied to me to fight for him back, and laughed at me for being so easily swayed. Among many other things, this is all a game to her.  She’s so miserable with her life, that she feels the need to make not only his life miserable, but mine as well in order to make herself feel better.

Today’s message at church was a focus on Luke 18:9-14.

“To some who were confident of their own righteousness and looked down on everyone else, Jesus told this parable: Two men came up to the temple to pray, one a Pharisee, and the other a tax collector.” (Luke 18:9-10)

The Pharisee is your average Joe. He’s awesome, he’s a great example, self-righteous, etc. The tax collector is the sinner.

“The Pharisee stood by himself and prayed. ‘God, I thank you that I am not like other people- robbers, evildoers, adulterers or even like this tax collector.’ (Luke 18:11) But the tax collector stood at a distance. He would not even look up to heaven, but beat his breast and said, ‘God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” (Luke 18:13)

The Pharisee bases his self-righteousness on someone else’s lack of it. He compared himself to others, and thanked Him that he was not like them. As long as he could be better than someone else, he’ll win. He thinks because of who he is, what he’s done, how great he is , that he gets to look down on everyone else like they are nothing. He doesn’t just look down on the tax collector, he despises him.

While the Pharisee was up front, praying openly and out loud, the tax collector stood at a distance, full of shame, anguish, and embarrassment. He is not entitled, strong, or proud of who he was. He knew that he has sinned and failed God. He doesn’t feel like he belongs there, so he asks for His mercy.

As I sat in church reflecting on the message, our pastor asks, “Which one are you?”

I sat there, disappointed. Any other day, I would’ve said I was the tax collector. I’ve always been able to own up to my actions, admit my mistakes/sins, and I’ve always loved my neighbor. I’ve never been an entitled person who thinks they are better than the next. Shoot, I have a whole blog about my struggle with self-esteem. I’ve always acknowledged that I was a work in progress, and I’ve never been afraid to ask God for help.

However, when it came to her, my ex’s ex, I felt the need to fight fire with fire. She was so evil to both my ex and I, that I couldn’t hold back my words. Luckily, I never let my actions overrule my dignity like she did, but I sure the heck let my thoughts. I wanted her to feel the pain. I wanted to let her know how much we despised her, and what her petty actions say about her. I don’t know what exactly came over me, because I’m a firm believer in Karma. I in no way feel like I am above her in the sense that I can hand her her own cold plate of revenge. I will leave that to God. But as of lately, I’ve been the self-righteous Pharisee. I’ve been acting entitled, and rubbing in her face why I am better than her not just as a person/girlfriend, but also because I never let my actions stoop down to her level. I have been so desperate to prove a point.

When my pastor asked, “Which one are you?” I digressed. I reflected on everything I said to her yesterday, and in the past holistically. (Side note, I was first to communicate with her, coming at her with the UP-MOST RESPECT, asking to meet her and her son someday with open arms. It was all down hill from there. She called me every name in the book, and that’s when all the lies and games started.) Regardless, even though I tried to do my part, and I tried to do it the right way, I lost track of my path and my human. I let my pride get in the way of my truth. This message was my wake up call.

“I tell you that this man (tax collector), rather than the other, went home justified before God. For all those who exalt themselves will be humbled, and those who humble themselves will be exalted.” (Luke 18:14)

As I reflect on this moment in my life, my rock bottom, I am quickly humbled. We face the temptation of looking at people as others instead of looking at them as all of us. I am no better than the next person. I need to just focus on me, and continue to look to God for help. I refuse to engage with anyone’s evil nature anymore. As I sat here and read message after message of her yet again calling me out my name, accusing me of things I didn’t do, I sat my phone down and turned to God. I’ll let you handle that, because I do know my truth. I am many things, but a liar is not one of them. In this moment I have to remind myself to love thy neighbor. Spiritual wholeness comes from a humble recognition of our need for Jesus.

As my pastor said today, those who are humble and repentant, those who find favor and invitation, those who are arrogant and self-righteous, those are who get left out of God’s Kingdom. Today I’ve realized that I have sinned, I’m broken, and I need Jesus to forgive me and take over. I can only hope I am justified in my reflections, and he has mercy to accept me in His Kingdom.

Pastor Brian, thank you for your words today. You’ve opened my eyes, and from this day forward, I can find peace knowing that I am growing. I’m not going to let evilness take over my life, nor will I let this depression. I am better than who I was. I will come out on top. I truly believe in you Lord, and I know you have breakthrough coming for me.

Keep Calm and Carry On

Angry.

I’ve never felt so angry in my life…

For as long as I can remember, I have always been a pretty happy go-lucky person no matter what life has put in front of me. Sure, I have moments of depression; but I’ve always done my best to keep that to myself. I try not to show that side of me, especially over a long period of time to anyone. I feel like it makes me look weak. I feel like I AM weak.

However, over this past month or so of my life, I haven’t been able to let go of the anger I have towards my ex, and our relationship. It’s not in my nature to be an angry person, so I’m heavily uncomfortable in this state of emotion. I don’t know how to express it, how to process it, or how to get rid of it.  Any moment I get to myself to think, or anytime I’m in a situation that reminds me of him, I immediately get angry. I remember all the times he lied to me, I question a million situations where I think he lied to me, and I realize how much he has humiliated me.

As much as I am the victim here, and as much as I want to cry about it, I know that deep down inside, getting overly involved with my ego is counterproductive. It’s keeping me from holding my own actions accountable (not listening to the signs, forgiving too soon, letting him take advantage of me, etc.), and most importantly, it’s keeping me from moving forward with my life.

Getting angry over this situation is pointless. I know that I can’t keep living in the past, and I need to accept it as history. But how do I move on from here? How do I get to the point of forgiveness? How do I make peace with myself? How do I discern my truth and rebuild my self-worth? How do I find respect for someone who has disrespected me on so many levels?

Unfortunately, I don’t have all the answers. All I do know is, I’ve left myself no choice but to be strong and persevere. It’s not always easy; In fact, it’s never easy. But I can’t keep feeling sorry for myself. I have to keep it pushin’. I can only pray the Lord will shed some light on my situation and lead me down the path of strength and happiness once again…

“Be confused, it’s where you begin to learn new things. Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal. Be frustrated, it’s where you start to make more authentic decisions. Be sad, because if we are brave enough we can hear our heart’s wisdom through it. Be whatever you are right now. No more hiding. You are worthy. Always.” ~ S.C. Lourie