Dangerously In Love

Falling in love with a narcissistic pathological liar was the most ludacris, yet brave thing I have ever done. Time and time again, he showed me his true colors. However, I was so blinded by the good moments and his vulnerability that I continuously gave him the benefit of the doubt. He brainwashed me to believe he was a victim of all the drama that was surrounding him. I’m talking multiple broken relationships, multiple fights/arrests/restraining orders, multiple family member’s deaths, etc. For the past year, I believed all these people surrounding him were evil. I believed in my man, and I believed he was a good person. I truly felt sorry for him and did my best to be the one constant person to stay by his side, even when everyone surrounding him left. I wanted to be there for him. And if it counted for anything, I wanted to fill any void he may have felt from all of the loss and betrayal he faced, even though it all turned out to all be a lie…

I love selflessly, and open-heartedly. I used to think that it was a beautiful thing, to love so hard. But now, now I wonder if that is a weakness… To love so openly, and make yourself so vulnerable to such a dangerous drug. Love.

The amount of shame, guilt, and embarrassment I feel cannot be measured for staying in such a toxic relationship as long as I did… Before I met my ex, I was finally in a good place in my life. I knew exactly who I was; I was strong, independent, and comfortable in my skin. I was in a good place with my career, I was making new friends in a new city, and ultimately, I was happy. After finally getting over a tough break up about two years prior, I was content with my life. And let me tell you, it took A LOT of hard work to get there. A LOT of soul-searching, a lot of facing my past, facing my fears, and facing reality. I changed a lot about myself, for the better. I grew so much as a person to finally get to this place. And then I met him.

First, we were friends. Really good ones. I confided in him, he confided in me, we were there for each other. Then, his “mother passed away.” He fell to shambles right in front of me, at my apartment doorway. It was at that moment, I decided, he needed me. God put me in his path to be there for him at this very moment. I remember thinking to myself as I held him and wiped away his tears, that I never want to see this man hurt like this again. And  I was going to do everything I can to make him happy. Make him feel loved. Make him feel whole. I’m a fixer by nature, and I tried to fix something that was broken before I even got there.

Soon after her “passing”, after a lot of consoling and time spent together, we made things official. He and I became so strong as a couple. I fell so deeply in love with him, to the point where I wondered if I even knew what love was before him? He made me feel like I was on cloud 9 our first few months together. It was truly the happiest time of my life.

Initially, I boasted about my independent nature, and he hated it. He always told me that he felt like I didn’t need him. I spent so much time trying to convince this man that I loved him more than anything in this world, that I became co-dependent on him. He always told me that it was ok to need somebody, that that is what love is. And that is the mindset that I fell into.

It astonished me how strong he was, and how quickly he got over the death of his mother. Especially for someone who supposedly walked into their own mother’s suicide… Soon after, his sister passed away. She got into a car accident with her boyfriend right before Christmas. Then the next month, two of his favorite cousins passed away, also a car accident. Then the mother of his child got involved in our relationship and tried to destroy everything we had built. Along with multiple other women. Then his other cousin passed away in his garage at his house after a tragic weightlifting accident… His two best friends that he grew up with since they were toddlers, well they betrayed him and cut him out of their lives pretty much out of their hate for me. Mind you, I’ve never even met these people. Through this all, I was there. My heart hurt for him. And I stood righteously by his side, thinking he was a victim.

Soon after, his behavior changed. These women were actually getting to me. And his “ex-wife” would tell me he was trying to work things out with her all the time. But he had convinced me that she was lying. He had convinced me that she was such an evil person. That she photo shopped all of these pictures, emails, and texts that she sent me to piss me off. The hard part about this part of the story is, that she actually is crazy too. So I’m not sure what to believe when it comes to them, but I do know that there was an affair there. Before I knew it, he was breaking up with me alllllll the time. Almost on a weekly basis. And then he’d be back at my doorstep crying, begging for me back. He is an expert at what he does. Everything was on his time. Our quality time, our break ups, our make ups… He knows exactly what to say to get me to stay, to get me to give him the benefit of the doubt, and to ultimately take him back. Most of the time, I’d let him leave. It wasn’t like me to beg a man to be somewhere he didn’t want to be. I almost wonder if that’s why he’d come back. Because it was a cry for attention that I didn’t give him. I can remember at least 4 different occasions where he “tried to commit suicide”, and I would come running like a fool every time, taking him back after blatant lies.

But eventually, the stress and toxicity of our relationship got to me. Everything that had contrasted over the last year or so all of a sudden became so clear. All these stories, all these tragedies, none of them added up. Often times, I already knew it, and would call him on his lies, but he was always able to get me to take him back. He was so good at making me feel special, like I was on a pedestal above everyone else, but only for the purpose of getting what he wanted from me. Most of the time is was to get control over me, but sometimes it was sex, money, or whatever he may have needed in that moment, like the $900 iPhone I recently bought him. I became too weak of a woman to care about my own well being, that I only cared about pleasing him. I was so depressed, especially after losing my career, that I truly felt like I couldn’t live without him. I was suicidal. There was even a time after he had broken up with me, that I begged for him back. It really hurt my pride. Especially looking back at the woman I used to be when I first met him. I hated myself even more for that. I hate that I got so lost in his love, that I lost touch with who I used to be.

Falling in love with a narcissist was the most dangerous thing I have ever done. To be so vulnerable to another person that I became co-dependent and suicidal. I know I’m not the only victim of such behavior, but I feel it’s so necessary to promote awareness before you yourself become a victim. Because up until recently, I never thought in a million years my ex would hurt and betray me as bad as he did. It really broke me… It left me wondering and obsessing where things went wrong. When did I turn left when I should have turned right? What choice was it that decided? What step did I take? How did I get here? To this very moment? What the hell happened???

In the beginning, they really get you. They put up this façade of perfection and charm. A man with morals, values, and deep belief in God… Then somewhere along the road, something will happen that will make you question him and his integrity. And before you know it, you’re finding never-ending lies and affairs right under your nose. This man you thought was your Prince Charming has now become your worst nightmare. This man who made you feel more loved than anyone in your life, has now hurt you more than you would’ve ever imagined. And now you’re left with nothing. Your soul, sucked dry. Your heart, empty. Your mind, fucked. You’ll start obsessing about all of the signs you ignored from the beginning. And then you realize this was their mission the whole time.

This one’s on me. I’ll take the L. But don’t get me twisted. I know what I deserve. You may have chipped away at my self-esteem, and fooled me on more than one occasion, but I will never again let you take away my self-worth. Only a woman as good as me was brave enough to love so hard, so openly, without hesitation. This is your loss, not mine. I deserve the type of love I’ve been brave enough to give. ❤

 

“The only downfall of having a good heart is that you’re constantly looking for angels inside of demons.” R.H. Sin

 

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One thought on “Dangerously In Love

  1. Wow, have you ever been through the ringer…and have come out smelling like a rose when all the dirty laundry was aired. Congratulations, you are a winner in the arena of mind games. Don’t get me wrong, I felt your beautifully-expressed pain, betrayal,disillusionment and self-doubt, but I absolutely loved your final paragraph! This is an awesome post…thanks for sharing 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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