She’s survived by her loving family…

My baby brother came back from deployment just over a week ago. I was able to see him for the first time in over a year on my 30th birthday, the 17th. As bitter as our relationship has been, and with everything I have going on in my life, it was still good to see him. It was refreshing.

Today his wife and he left for their road trip to Florida, as he’s been reassigned to a base there for he remainder of his enlistment. I had a really rough night last night and could hardly sleep due to a conversation I had with my ex’s mom… I woke up distraught, emotionally exhausted, and tired. When we met my brother for brunch he could see it all over my face. He asked me what was wrong, and gave me a big hug. I brushed it off and said I was tired because I didn’t feel like talking about it. Also because I’m his big sister and I feel like I need to be strong.

I carried on through brunch completely distracted through the sunshine and laughter on the rooftop of a nice restaurant. A family friend asked how I was doing and how life was treating me, and I was so curt that I almost felt bad. But I’m really not good at faking the funk and tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve, so avoiding the subject doesn’t always help the company I keep. Although it was such a beautiful day, and we had perfect weather, everything just seemed so dull to me. Colors weren’t as vibrant, wearing a fake smile made me cringe, all the laughing just got on my damn nerves…

When it was time to say our goodbye’s, my brother started with me. He gave me the biggest, tightest hug, and said, “Sister please, if you need anything, please ask me. I mean it. I’m here for you. I love you so much.” All the tears started to flow and I could feel my heart racing, and my body trying to hold itself back from wailing. Luckily, I was wearing sunglasses. But I could see my mom reading my face, and she started crying as well…

Honest to God, the only thing I thought about to myself as I nodded my head yes and said thank you, was that this is probably the last time I’ll ever hug my brother. This will be the last time because I don’t think I’ll make it through life much longer. This depression is going to eat me alive, and I will kill myself. As my brother pours his heart out, I’m standing here thinking about suicide. It’s crosses my mind at least 20 times a day. I think about it all the time. How I’ll do it, when I’ll do it, and what I want to say to who before I do it. I’ve already written my goodbye letters to my family a couple of months ago from the first time I actually tried it. It was obviously unsuccessful and resulted in a miserable night spent alone in the hospital.

It’s not that I feel my world is ending because I’m single. It’s not that at all. It all started when I lost my career. I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to that company every single day. There were rules being broken at work by other leaders, and I got fired for some bullshit after the investigation. That’s when my depression started. That’s when I started questioning my worth.

A few weeks later my ex left me, and has been in and out of my life for countless excuses ever since. Although I still love him so much, I absolutely hate what he’s done to me. Because of this situation with him, I hate myself. I question my worth not only as a woman, but as his partner. I loved him with all I had, and was still never good enough for him to stick around. Although he says I deserve better, he’d never just try to be a better man, and stay a part of my life. He’d hide me from everyone he knows. I refuse to believe that I was so naive to believe him when he’d express how in love with me he was, and only concentrate on the times he showed it. When in reality, at least as of the last few months, his bad days have outweighed the good. I hate myself for this! I hate that I let myself get so lost in a man who was no longer there. He wasn’t ready to love me and he made that clear, but I’d still want him a part of my life because I felt good when I was with him. How selfish! He has always left me when I needed him the most. He was never truly there for me, and he was never truly there for us.

He never made me a priority in his life. All he cares about is his own happiness and his family he portrayed as such evil people to me. And I accept that. I even almost admire it. I need to learn  to not love any man more than I love myself or my family. I need to learn that my partner should never be the most important person in my life. I lost myself in him by doing just that. I wish I could love less, just like him.

When I think about dying, I often daydream about how it’ll affect him. How would he feel if he woke up one day, and I didn’t? I know he would be sad. And I think about it all the time because it’s the only way I think he’ll feel even a fraction of the pain that he makes me feel. I wonder how much he’ll regret how he treated me, if he’ll realize what he lost, or if he’ll just move on with his life and get over me quickly because I’m not here. I guess I’ll never know until it happens…

I’m leaving my family tomorrow to spend some time with a friend for a couple of weeks. Hopefully the thoughts of suicide subside, but right now it’s staring me right in the face. My depression is eating away at my every day life, and especially my motivation. I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I pray every night that God either takes me, or gives me the strength to get through this damn period already because I’m sick of it! I truly thought I was better than this, that I was stronger than this. How did I get to this point in my life? How could I get so lost??

suicide-25-650_121114100116

“The bravest thing I ever did was continue my life when I wanted to die.”

~Juliette Lewis

 

 

 

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10 thoughts on “She’s survived by her loving family…

  1. I’m so very sorry for how bad your life looks right now, but please, please don’t do this. Think of the people in your life who love you, like your brother and mother, who are willing to do anything to help you get through this. Lean on them; let them hold you up. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, open 24/7, at 1-800-273-8255, and pour your heart out to someone there. I know you feel worthless, but to your family, your friends, even to me, you are worth everything.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It’s been a rough few days, but I’m getting through it. =( Thank you for the information, and for the support. I truly appreciate it. ❤

      Like

  2. I too have struggled with terrible depression. I cannot even begin to go into the places I’ve come from. I can say that help is available though and you should take it. Doctors and therapists have great tools that can allow you to come up from this feeling of drowning that you have found yourself. You are not alone in this life and obviously have family that cares a great deal for you. I do hope that you will look within and take the last bit of strength you have to reach out for the help that is waiting for you. And remember this about life- “Life is not always perfect. Like a road, it has many bends, ups and down, but that’s its beauty.” ― Amit Ray

    Liked by 1 person

  3. One day, when I was young, my parents were going through a rough patch in their marriage. I am the oldest of my siblings, and always felt it was my job to be the tough one, the guard at the door. It was my job to let my dad vent or my mom cry on my shoulder or to explain to my little siblings why dad wasn’t staying at home. I always wanted to help any way I could but there is only so much a ten/twelve year old boy can do. I got to a point where I had had enough and I thought about suicide as well. I had a pistol, a .22 Ruger Single-Action Revolver…..I had it pressed against my temple. I sat there with the gun to my head and thought about just how easy it would be, how simple it would be to end it all right there.

    Nobody outside who hasn’t been in those shoes knows how difficult it is to actually ignore those thoughts…the feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness. It isn’t for lack of trying, the motivation simply isn’t there. But as I sat there with that pistol in my hand I thought about more than how easy it would be to end it…..I thought about how hard it would be on my whole family. At the time I felt worthless, like I was nothing. My listening was doing nothing, my questions went unanswered but then I realized something that stopped me….

    To put my family through that, to just end it…THAT was the selfish act, the easy way out. I realized that in NOT doing it, by NOT pulling the trigger, I in fact was saving my siblings, family, and friends from a wound that may not heal. THAT was the selfless act, and it told me my duty was not to live an easy life, but to maybe live one that WASN’T for the sake of others. It told me something: I am not worthless, rather I am immensely valuable as a guardian to the hearts of others. All that stood between them and immeasurable tragedy was my will to continue on…even if every fiber of my being didn’t want to…so I did.

    I don’t know you, your situation, and I can’t pretend to. I don’t know what other stresses led up to this or any of the other things that make you feel as you do but I can promise and assure you of one thing…YOU…YOU are immensely valuable. You are one and only, the unique individual who cannot in a million million years be replaced and there is ONE person who will have your feelings, thoughts, ideas…that is YOU. If you are anything like me….those words might sound nice but not sink in….so I would like to invite you to do something….if I may…..

    Go outside in nature at night, when the moon is full…and shout. Scream, shout, cry, jump, throw a tantrum. Let every muscle in your body tense and relax. Run as fast as you can, jump as high as you can, roll in the grass, just be wild no matter how weird it feels or how bad you DON’T want to do it. When you’re breathing hard and thoroughly winded, just lay down in the grass and look at the moon. Imagine yourself as that great silver orb, circling around a big blue ball. Picture it….really imagine it.

    We are all like little moons orbiting around our friends and family. We circle around and they around us but sometimes we feel useless, just stuck in endless orbit. Sometimes we want to end it, to just blow up and disappear. But what happens if do? The oceans fall out of balance, the orbit or the planets changes, the lives of our friends and family is drastically altered.
    We aren’t worthless, we aren’t just pieces of rock spinning through space….we are the partners in a great dance and if not for ourselves then for the sake of our family and friends we must keep dancing. Sometimes its hard. Sometimes its hard for years, but it always gets better…..we all eventually learn the steps.

    Keep pushing. I know it’s not easy, I know it might seem hopeless but trust me, you can do it. Life never gives you anything it doesn’t think you can handle. And if you ever need to talk, you can talk to me…I’m always here.

    https://creatingkings.com/contact

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for your support. I can’t explain how much your words meant to me. I’ve been thinking about what you said the last couple days, and it’s really brought a new perspective to my light. As much pain as I feel in my chest, as hard as it is to even just breath sometimes, I try to remember how my family would be affected if I followed through with these dark, haunting thoughts I have. I can’t say they have subsided, but I can say I’m better than I was… I still have a lot of work to do in finding myself again, but I haven’t given up yet. It’s hard because I have a million unanswered question that I will never get clarification on, but I have to learn to move on. Every day, I’m trying. Thank you so much for your support. It means the world to me. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. We all take time to find ourselves, some of us just have a more difficult journey. For me, this is my calling, my purpose in life: to life others higher. I’m behind you all the way, here to support you. If you ever feel like you don’t have a friend in the world to talk to remember that yes, you do. I’m very happy I am able to help, and am here if you need it again. Love.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I am really sorry to hear about everything you are going through and I sorta know joe it feels I have mild depression and anxiety and stops me from doing things, but I see where you are coming from. You will get through this just be strong, talk to people your friends and family and trust me they will help ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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