My baby brother came back from deployment just over a week ago. I was able to see him for the first time in over a year on my 30th birthday, the 17th. As bitter as our relationship has been, and with everything I have going on in my life, it was still good to see him. It was refreshing.
Today his wife and he left for their road trip to Florida, as he’s been reassigned to a base there for he remainder of his enlistment. I had a really rough night last night and could hardly sleep due to a conversation I had with my ex’s mom… I woke up distraught, emotionally exhausted, and tired. When we met my brother for brunch he could see it all over my face. He asked me what was wrong, and gave me a big hug. I brushed it off and said I was tired because I didn’t feel like talking about it. Also because I’m his big sister and I feel like I need to be strong.
I carried on through brunch completely distracted through the sunshine and laughter on the rooftop of a nice restaurant. A family friend asked how I was doing and how life was treating me, and I was so curt that I almost felt bad. But I’m really not good at faking the funk and tend to wear my feelings on my sleeve, so avoiding the subject doesn’t always help the company I keep. Although it was such a beautiful day, and we had perfect weather, everything just seemed so dull to me. Colors weren’t as vibrant, wearing a fake smile made me cringe, all the laughing just got on my damn nerves…
When it was time to say our goodbye’s, my brother started with me. He gave me the biggest, tightest hug, and said, “Sister please, if you need anything, please ask me. I mean it. I’m here for you. I love you so much.” All the tears started to flow and I could feel my heart racing, and my body trying to hold itself back from wailing. Luckily, I was wearing sunglasses. But I could see my mom reading my face, and she started crying as well…
Honest to God, the only thing I thought about to myself as I nodded my head yes and said thank you, was that this is probably the last time I’ll ever hug my brother. This will be the last time because I don’t think I’ll make it through life much longer. This depression is going to eat me alive, and I will kill myself. As my brother pours his heart out, I’m standing here thinking about suicide. It’s crosses my mind at least 20 times a day. I think about it all the time. How I’ll do it, when I’ll do it, and what I want to say to who before I do it. I’ve already written my goodbye letters to my family a couple of months ago from the first time I actually tried it. It was obviously unsuccessful and resulted in a miserable night spent alone in the hospital.
It’s not that I feel my world is ending because I’m single. It’s not that at all. It all started when I lost my career. I gave my blood, sweat, and tears to that company every single day. There were rules being broken at work by other leaders, and I got fired for some bullshit after the investigation. That’s when my depression started. That’s when I started questioning my worth.
A few weeks later my ex left me, and has been in and out of my life for countless excuses ever since. Although I still love him so much, I absolutely hate what he’s done to me. Because of this situation with him, I hate myself. I question my worth not only as a woman, but as his partner. I loved him with all I had, and was still never good enough for him to stick around. Although he says I deserve better, he’d never just try to be a better man, and stay a part of my life. He’d hide me from everyone he knows. I refuse to believe that I was so naive to believe him when he’d express how in love with me he was, and only concentrate on the times he showed it. When in reality, at least as of the last few months, his bad days have outweighed the good. I hate myself for this! I hate that I let myself get so lost in a man who was no longer there. He wasn’t ready to love me and he made that clear, but I’d still want him a part of my life because I felt good when I was with him. How selfish! He has always left me when I needed him the most. He was never truly there for me, and he was never truly there for us.
He never made me a priority in his life. All he cares about is his own happiness and his family he portrayed as such evil people to me. And I accept that. I even almost admire it. I need to learn to not love any man more than I love myself or my family. I need to learn that my partner should never be the most important person in my life. I lost myself in him by doing just that. I wish I could love less, just like him.
When I think about dying, I often daydream about how it’ll affect him. How would he feel if he woke up one day, and I didn’t? I know he would be sad. And I think about it all the time because it’s the only way I think he’ll feel even a fraction of the pain that he makes me feel. I wonder how much he’ll regret how he treated me, if he’ll realize what he lost, or if he’ll just move on with his life and get over me quickly because I’m not here. I guess I’ll never know until it happens…
I’m leaving my family tomorrow to spend some time with a friend for a couple of weeks. Hopefully the thoughts of suicide subside, but right now it’s staring me right in the face. My depression is eating away at my every day life, and especially my motivation. I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. I pray every night that God either takes me, or gives me the strength to get through this damn period already because I’m sick of it! I truly thought I was better than this, that I was stronger than this. How did I get to this point in my life? How could I get so lost??
“The bravest thing I ever did was continue my life when I wanted to die.”