I’ve never felt so angry in my life…
For as long as I can remember, I have always been a pretty happy go-lucky person no matter what life has put in front of me. Sure, I have moments of depression; but I’ve always done my best to keep that to myself. I try not to show that side of me, especially over a long period of time to anyone. I feel like it makes me look weak. I feel like I AM weak.
However, over this past month or so of my life, I haven’t been able to let go of the anger I have towards my ex, and our relationship. It’s not in my nature to be an angry person, so I’m heavily uncomfortable in this state of emotion. I don’t know how to express it, how to process it, or how to get rid of it. Any moment I get to myself to think, or anytime I’m in a situation that reminds me of him, I immediately get angry. I remember all the times he lied to me, I question a million situations where I think he lied to me, and I realize how much he has humiliated me.
As much as I am the victim here, and as much as I want to cry about it, I know that deep down inside, getting overly involved with my ego is counterproductive. It’s keeping me from holding my own actions accountable (not listening to the signs, forgiving too soon, letting him take advantage of me, etc.), and most importantly, it’s keeping me from moving forward with my life.
Getting angry over this situation is pointless. I know that I can’t keep living in the past, and I need to accept it as history. But how do I move on from here? How do I get to the point of forgiveness? How do I make peace with myself? How do I discern my truth and rebuild my self-worth? How do I find respect for someone who has disrespected me on so many levels?
Unfortunately, I don’t have all the answers. All I do know is, I’ve left myself no choice but to be strong and persevere. It’s not always easy; In fact, it’s never easy. But I can’t keep feeling sorry for myself. I have to keep it pushin’. I can only pray the Lord will shed some light on my situation and lead me down the path of strength and happiness once again…
“Be confused, it’s where you begin to learn new things. Be broken, it’s where you begin to heal. Be frustrated, it’s where you start to make more authentic decisions. Be sad, because if we are brave enough we can hear our heart’s wisdom through it. Be whatever you are right now. No more hiding. You are worthy. Always.” ~ S.C. Lourie